I will talking about my journey around these areas of healing. I will not be giving advise except to seek out someone qualified to help you with self-healing. I am able to help up to a point from training modalities that I have received training in. I may not be the right person for you.
There will be bumps in the road. You will find yourself there and why reaching out to someone to help support you is important. Reaching out is one of the hardest things to do b/c you feels like a bother. Trust me you are not!! If no one answers, leave a message and reach out to another. It's worth it!
Here is where I find myself: I want the authentic bonding where my relationship(s) are based on freedom, accountability and mental peace. Where I have found myself the majority of the time in relationships was my patterns of my childhood experiences being mirrored back to me. I did not see it for a long, long time b/c I don't remember most of my childhood. That's why I rarely talk about it. Most of my childhood was chaotic, unpredictable roller coaster of emotions. When I would find myself in a relationship that was offering something safe and insightful, it actually felt unsafe b/c it was not familiar and mirroring to me the work I needed to do. It's a lot of hard work to shift the nervous system and the mindset to this place of feeling safe when you are used chaos as your safe place. Even with all this work, do I find that the shadow is periodically standing behind me offering up the bait for me to take it? I sure do! It's not overpowering any longer. Stand firm in your faith in God and the shadow begins to lose it's power. The prayers you have been seeking will be answered. The offering the shadow has for me is to betray myself and all my needs to receive love. This is a big f'ing mirror of my childhood. It took me a long time to see and a lot of work to shift. The work is meeting my own needs first. The shadow also offers the light. If you take on the work. By no means is this easy. The work is connecting to myself first by getting to know myself. This is hard when you have spent your life sacrificing yourself! The other person is not here to fix, save, or validate my existence. This is not freedom, not accountability to myself and certainly does not hold mental peace for long. The work is to learn, see and hold space for all of ME. Then I am able to help hold space for another b/c I have the tools within myself to help. The other person enhances who I am and vice versa. The other person does not complete me b/c I AM WHOLE already!!
Let me know if you are needing help with going beyond self sabotage. Staying in these patterns can cause health issues as well. If after speaking, we discover we are not a fit I can refer you to others who may fit that bill.