In the previous blog I had mentioned that I was bulimic and over came it myself. I said I would expand on this in the next blog. So here we go!
I was bulimic when I was in high school. I was about 16 years old. Did I decide I would be bulimic because I thought I was fat? NO. I didn’t even know what bulimia was at the time. I think every girl in high school thinks they are fat at some point.
I had the stomach flu. I saw the connection and went with it. That is how it began. I didn’t discover the why until much later. Like years later.
I did this in secret for a few months before my family caught on to what I was doing.
They took me to the doctor to make sure I didn’t have an ulcer. I had an upper G.I scope done to see if there was something as well. Btw, they didn’t knock me out like they do now. They simply gave me something to numb my throat. I was wide awake for the procedure. Interesting to say the least. They found nothing.
They felt it was bulimia and then sent me to a psychologist.
I didn’t understand the sessions. I didn’t understand why I had to talk to my mom, especially after I threw up. I felt like it was a fog I was walking through. Most of my childhood felt like that and those would be the vivid memories. I remember very little. Over the past few years of discovery in healing, I have learned why that is.
One day my mother was to attend a session. All I can remember is that she got mad and said that was all a scapegoat and left.
I was asked by the psychologist to do a food journal and if I did throw up to write that down as well. I was also asked to talk to my mom after I did throw up. One day I did. I remember saying I needed to talk to her. She acknowledged. I spoke for about 10 minutes. Her response was, “what did you say? I wasn’t listening”
My mom was watching TV like always. My response was, “I am never going to speak to you again” I got up and went to my room. That was the last time. She didn’t come to my room to talk with me. She just went back to watching TV. Keep in mind I am only 16 and do not understand anything else.
The next day I have my session with the psychologist. This is all I remember. After a few moments of me talking she said being bulimic is like being an alcoholic. Once you are one you are always one. That didn’t sit well with me at all. I stood up and said that is bullshit. I think you are a terrible doctor. I am only getting worse instead of better. I’m going to figure this out on my own. Walked out and rode my bike home.
I get home and sit there thinking now what! While I didn’t understand the real cause as to why this is happening (I find out later) I knew I could conquer this behavior. At the time I didn’t need to know the real cause. This made me dig deep within myself.
As I am thinking about all of this stuff. It’s a lot of stuff by the way! I knew I was fine when I was at school. What was I doing at school that I wasn’t doing at home? Well, I was busy and distracted from the moment I woke up, went to school and when I got home sometimes there was a gap before the next thing I was doing (like babysitting).
Even though I had chores, homework etc.…There was a gap big enough for me to have a panic attack. Didn’t know that is what I was having then. I would binge, purge, feel better and then say to myself “why did you do that?” some days were better than others as far as having control.
At 16 and not understanding the real cause I simply came to the conclusion that I was bored. What do I do now to fill that time. This was the mid to late 80’s, so I learned how to do acrylic nails on myself. That takes a while! Lol! You forget the panic, the boredom, the anxiety. I can’t do that every day. As it came up and it wasn’t time for nails, I would find other things to do. I would still workout, walk the dogs. Oddly, I would bake, that wasn’t always successful. I didn’t conquer that as well.
I was also investigating the risks of staying bulimic. The acid ruining my teeth and having a heart attack and dying is what got me to help myself. That was the extent of my research. It was enough at the time. I started learning about health and fitness. I started learning about nutrition.
After a month of having the discipline to shift my focus away from binging and purging I was cured. To this day, if I overeat (which is rare) I have ZERO desire to purge it back up. If I have too many treats. I don’t beat myself up over it and go punish myself by purging it back up. In fact, I don’t punish myself. It’s rare I eat too many treats. Do I eat treats? Of course, I do!
Do I diet? NOPE! Have I done paleo, keto, vegan, blah, blah, blah? NOPE, NOPE and NOPE
Do I have a vegan type day here and there? Yes
Do I eat meals where it is a higher percentageof meat? YUP
I eat fresh meals I have made myself. I rarely eat processed foods of any kind; I would rather starve to be honest. I do not drink processed drinks. I do not consume energy drinks. My energy comes from properly balanced meals eaten throughout the day. This means food prep. This means thinking about food. If you are not thinking about food and food prep, you will be caught off guard and you will find yourself at a fast-food place or just buying garbage.
Do I do this perfectly every week? NOPE! I am a human being just like you. I have learned to shift my mindset and my behavior towards what I want more of in my life.
Mindset is huge! It is 90% of the game out there.
What were the triggers that instigated the bulimia and not feeling worthy, not feeling loveable, always worrying about what others thought of me, always making sure everyone was happy at the expense of me?
I am going to describe this in one sentence. It’s simple and speaks volumes. This topic can be quite complex. When I say that it was like growing up with roommates. No one quite gets it unless you have experienced what I did. I will also reference a book to read to help as well. This is years and years of work. Years and years of unpacking all of this and I’m sure there is more to come. I am better prepared. I can feel and see it quicker as something comes up to be healed. I am not so blindsided.
It's time to start bringing this out into the open to help other people. I am in the midst of leveling up. Which means I am going to have some shit come up. I want something different, so I need to be different. This only happens once you begin the journey and not back down. You are WORTHY!
Childhood Emotional Neglect.
You want to learn more about this? A book I highly recommend is called ‘Running on Empty” by Jonice Webb, PhD
If you didn’t experience childhood emotional neglect, I will guarantee you know someone who has. It will help you understand them better. This answered a million questions I was unable to form, and I no longer felt I was damaged goods.
I will be writing more about this as I find I do more mindset coaching than anything else. I find it to be a crucial part of your success.
Message me so we can see if we are a fit for each other to get you on your life enhancing journey.
Disclaimer: I am NOT by any means telling you to stop therapy. Over the years I needed to seek out professionals to aid me in my self-healing journey. Make sure you are working with prosessional that is there to empower you.